4th & Dragon : Dungeons and Dragons...and stuff

Pulled from 3rebb:

As per Lune’s request. I’ll let him and the mods edit this and put the pics where they’re supposed to go cause I have work to do!

I’ve been a DM for quite a long while, and I believe it is high time for an article on how to do it the right way; the right way being the Objective Improvisational style. Learn my simple step-by-step program and you will be well on your way to getting all the chicks and running great games. Possibly both.

OWN TOO MANY DICE.

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Dice bags are for SISSIES. Get that crap out of here. Real DMs put their dice in a container of some sort, usually a tackle box, as that is the only thing large enough to hold the correct amount of dice. Players are stupid and they always forget their dice, so keep plenty of extra for the dummies and the freeloaders. Note the high level of organization in the following picture.

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Beware of cats!

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While cats can make great pets, they are DICE FIENDS. They will jump on your table and knock over everything just to swat the dice around and be obnoxious. Dogs lose to cats in all aspects of life except being sane when dice are rolling around. Note in the picture how the cat wishes to eat all of the dice, but she cannot because they are in a sturdy plastic box, and not a flimsy little bag.

GET ORGANIZED!

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Get a folder. Put the name of your campaign on the front and the date it began, along with the names of the PCs. Keep track of which ones die, because it’s funny. PCs always die in good campaigns. If people aren’t dying at least once every 10 sessions, you’re too soft. Stop being a weakling and start killing some players. Ask Merric Blackman for some great tips on this.

Your folder should contain relevant campaign information. Put notes and papers and stuff in the left pocket, house rules and addendums and errata on the right, and NPC and current info in the cute little center binder. This also means you need a hole puncher. Your folder should be NEAT and TIDY so you can find things when you need them. What does this mean? It means your notes and papers should look like this:

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and not like this:

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Record keeping for idiots (that means you).

Always keep track of what happens in your game sessions. You won’t remember what happened last week because YOU ARE DUMB. Get a sheet of paper and keep track of combats, events, and all the other crap you can’t remember. Put it all in your folder for next week.

Note taking is an art that many DMs need practice with. When something happens in your game, write it down. Make large lists of information in this way so you can reference it later and your players will think you are smart and planned for it all along.

When a campaign is finished, either because the players want a new game or because you have slain everyone in brutal combat (the correct option), take all this garbage you’ve been writing down and FILE it for later reference.

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Notice how my storage folder is really old and thick. This is because I am a great DM. There are many dead characters in that folder. Strive for a record log such as this.

GET A BATTLE GRID AND USE MINIATURES.

If you like to imagine your combats, go play World of Darkness. D&D is about killing stuff and taking said stuff’s treasure, and as such you need to see what’s going on so the players can’t wheedle any tactics on you. If you can’t afford miniatures then you have to get creative. I use a combination of miniatures, dice, and other assorted things. I also use wet-erase markers to draw with.

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Note: Always wash off your markings after a session as they can stain your battle mat and that makes YOU LOOK STUPID.

DON’T PLAN ANYTHING.

Got a great epic storyline planned out? Throw it in the garbage. You are not writing a novel. As an RPG, Dungeons and Dragons is a freeform type of game. This means that the more you as the DM plan, the more it sucks. What you want to do is create specific types of things and use the players to fill in the story; after all the game is supposed to be the story of the PCs. How can the DM possibly plan that out? Quite simply, he cannot. All you need is some random encounter tables, a stack of NPCs, some basic information about the local area, and a few simple maps. Only create what you know you’re going to use and make the rest up, because your players are going to do something else anyway.

Events.

This is my favorite tactic. You create events that take place at specific locations at specific times, regardless of what your players are doing. Most DMs have specific encounters take place regardless of what the PCs are doing. This is unbalancing to the karma of D&D and should be avoided. This is done to avoid planning going to waste. This is why we simply don’t plan.

The players are dropped into various situations and you should let the dice do the work. Say you have a really great encounter you want the players to experience. Well, chances are, they think your encounter sucks. So instead of mapping everything out, you stay basic. You figure out what’s going to happen and with whom, where it’s going to take place and when. The most important question to answer is Why? Why are there four trolls rampaging down this hill at this specific place and point in time? Why is one of them carrying a sack full of dead bodies? As long as you know why things happen, everything else will fall into place.

Events can be made with NPCs, monsters, items, weather, maps, or anything else you can think of. Call heavy rains in 3 days. Where are the PCs in 3 days? Did they leave on schedule and make it to the next village, or are they stuck out in the woods getting wet because they decided to party late into the night?

Random Encounters.

This ties in well with the events. Quite simply, if you have no events you dice a random encounter and create a new event. You can also grab for that stack of NPCs. Always be using that brain, since you never use it any other time. Just because you dice up 17 orcs doesn’t mean they see the party and charge. Maybe they’re taking a meal break. Maybe they’re fighting with something more powerful (that you also just diced up) and dying. The orcs would probably be pretty thankful to the PCs for saving their butts (although they’d likely not admit to it). Maybe they are wandering around hunting, or maybe a villain you created hired them to hassle the PCs. No need to stress over game stats either; just crack open that monster manual. You payed $30 for it, right? Use it.

Framework.

If you’re not a moron, you have figured out that making things up on the fly by using your basic knowledge of NPCs and monsters is a great way to DM. Although it seems haphazard, you do not want your game to be a collection of random crap. You want it all to tie in on some level to the PCs, the local area, other NPCs, the government, whatever you want. All it has to do is make sense. Build your skeleton and let the players add the flesh, while you add flesh of your own as their actions fuel your brain.

Reality.

Even as a fantasy game, you want some basis in reality. What this means is that if your players are constantly fighting and encountering things with appropriate CR, then you are in the wrong and must correct this. Don’t use appropriate challenges all the time just because the PCs are a certain level. Let them tangle with something much more powerful and surrender (or better yet be wiped off the face of the game world). Let them demolish a herd of goblins at level 14. Why would goblins stop trying to rob adventurers just because they’re higher level? Do they just give off that aura of power? Hell no. Not in a form some idiot goblin can detect. All he knows is that there’s 35 of him and only 4 of them, and they have a lot more shiny things than he does.

Quick NPCs

Don’t know the stats for an NPC? 10. Is he an NPC class of any merit? 8,9,10,11,12,13. A PC class of merit? 8,10,12,13,14,15. Default arrays. If you need an NPC RIGHT NOW, just slap these stats on them and account for level and magic items and you are all set. The best way to do this on the fly is to build them gradually in your NOTES and then later come up with their full stats (if necessary).

Continued…

DON’T GET ATTACHED.

Got a great villain that you’d just hate to see die? Let him die anyway. There’s ALWAYS more villains. If the PCs happen to get the drop on your Big Bad Mamma Jamma, let it play out. The dice know best. Don’t be afraid to watch something you’ve created get turned into trash by a few lucky rolls. All you should have on this guy anyway is game stats, a very brief personality and description (most likely memorized), and a little calendar of events that possibly involves him. The rest should either be in your notes or in your head.

CHALLENGE YOUR PLAYERS.

Don’t be afraid to beat the crap out of your PCs on a regular basis. Use all kinds of sneaky powergaming tactics and odd terrain features. Have that dragon be wearing half of its magical treasure. A good game of D&D has a lot of suffering. Make them suffer.

Always make sure all the players have something they can be doing in a given encounter. Nothing is more lame than sitting around watching other people play D&D.

DOWNTIME, DOWNTIME, DOWNTIME!

For the love of all that is holy, the players NEED TO REST. This is not Lord of the Rings. Putting the PCs on a constant and strict time schedule is the WRONG ANSWER. Let them identify their magic items. Let the wizard write scrolls. Let them relax. Can you imagine fighting monsters on a daily basis for 3 months straight? I’d sure be wishing for a month or two off to spend my cash and just chill. You can go through 2 months in 2 minutes in this game. Don’t be afraid to do it.

CRACK THE WHIP

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When players cause trouble, it’s time to lay down the law. Don’t take any crap from anybody. Do not be afraid to raise your voice, curse, or simply pummel your players into submission. This is your game, and while the story is about the players, somebody has to be the referee and make sure everything flows smoothly. When someone starts breaking the flow then it is time for they themselves to become broken. You should develop your own tactics for harming your gamers. Watch as this elder DM unhinges his jaw to swallow whole a troublesome player.

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You now have everything you need to DM without overplanning. Get to it.

HOW TO BE A DM UPDATE!

USE STOCK CHARACTERS

If you’ve got a whole crapload of specific enemies that you know your players are going to be up against (namely because you are going to be sending wave after wave at them until they die) just make one and repeat. All regular old guards everywhere are 1st-level warriors. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t be guards. They’d be freaking sergeants, or FIGHTERS. Infiltrating the wizard’s castle? I bet he’s got friggin swimming pools full of guards. Just make one guard and use that one guard for all of his guards. This may seem like common sense to some people. You are correct. Most DMs have no common sense. That’s why I’m helping YOU out. Making stuff up as you go is great, but trying to make up stats for enemies as you go is LAME. You will forget EVERYTHING. Even a great DM such as myself needs a stat block to look at. Missing a few plusses here and there isn’t a big deal you might think, but when you do it 9 or 10 times a session it starts to ‘add’ up. Get it?

IT’S EVERYONE’S JOB TO KNOW THE RULES

If your players don’t know the rules KICK THEIR ASSES. Take a big pipe and just start smashing joints until they are begging to study the PHB in their free time. Don’t let players ask you about rules they should know in the middle of combat. You don’t ever want to hear the party fighter ask you how Power Attack works. Why? Because that means he is not putting any effort into learning the rules. It also means he is REALLY STUPID. How is it that I not only know what your feats do, but the feats of everyone else at the table? The least you can do is know what your own freaking character is capable of.

Encourage players to know rules that don’t apply to their characters, because this is very helpful to the other players and sometimes yourself. You can initiate this by delivering savage beatings to the largest player at your table, or by chewing and swallowing things like broken glass while you give the filthy rats your worst stink eye and brandish your Player’s Handbook overhead.

BEING ABSENT IS LAME.

That’s right. If you miss sessions on a regular basis you can go die. If you’ve got a player that misses sessions constantly, it’s time to lay down the law. The way I see it is, if you miss a session you just don’t want to be there. Certain things do apply, however. This is what happens at my table:

-Funerals of close friends or family. If your mom dies I will encourage you and the rest of the gaming group to attend the funeral. If you go to your 3rd cousin’s funeral you are inexcused and I will send you to your own funeral with a messy death involving dicebags. This obviously waives if you were close with your 3rd cousin (which is highly unlikely, since it is your 3rd cousin).

-Vacations. Want to go to Mexico for a week with your woman? Fine. You are excused, because trips cost a lot of money. Bring me back something clever with all this money you’ve got to spend and I won’t eat your character sheet.

-You’re getting married. All I can say is there’s 7 days in a week, and getting married takes one of them. That’s what happens when men let their wives plan everything. This is excusable, but frowned upon. If your wedding goes immediately to a honeymoon for a week in Mexico, see ‘Vacations’ above.

-Military Service. One of my players is in the National Guard and has to report for training one weekend per month. We play on Sunday, so she misses sessions about once a month. I let this slide because she has no choice in the matter.

When excusable things like this happen the PC becomes a cohort under the control of another PC. The absentee’s character recieves a half share of XP and a half share of treasure. The leftover XP and treasure is split amongst the rest of the group.

Following is an example of something that can be either excusable or inexcusable.

-Work. You should have that day off already, but if you only have to work that day once in a great while that’s fine. If you have to work every other week and you won’t talk to your boss about it then say bye bye to your XP. Everyone else did it, so you can too.

Here are some examples of things that I do not tolerate and are thus inexcusable. These things cause your character to vanish from the group in a characteristic yet sudden way and you recieve zero XP or treasure from the session. Sometimes if I’m feeling nice, I may just kill your character outright and take a huge dump on your sheet as it floats in the toilet, awating its final flush.

-Going out with any girl (or guy). HELL no. Unless it’s Halle Berry (or Brad Pitt) you better be sitting down rolling some dice. Scoring a date with Halle Berry would be excusable. You can tell her about your new elf character and the finer points of each of the best spells available.

-You’re not in the mood. I don’t really care if you’re not in the mood. If you don’t want to play I won’t get mad at you but you’re DAMN sure not getting any reward for it.

-You have something better to do. Got invited to a really cool party? Guess what? I DON’T CARE. Unless the whole group got invited and we’re all there you will suffer my wrath. I don’t care if it’s your sister’s uncle’s brother’s 50th birthday bash. If you want to go, that’s fine. See \"You’re not in the mood\” above for further details.

As you can see, if you miss sessions you cause a lot of grief to everyone and you are lame. If you are a player in control of a cohorted PC character, use them to spring traps and send them into combat first so they die more quickly. Never EVER reward players for missing games. If you do, they will miss more games because they know they will get rewarded for it. There needs to be a lot more out of character physical pain involved in D&D, and a good way to start is by strangling the no-shows.

Attention Noobs: read that again and take notes this time.  You will be tested!