4th & Dragon : Dungeons and Dragons...and stuff

This is a topic to post funny character quotes, things said by PC’s NPC’s and other such stuff.

“My tribe used to worship a Black Dragon until we ate him one year.”
—Zorr Lizardfolk fighter. 3.5

“Just because I’m twelve doesn’t mean you can treat me like a child.”
—Ayame 12 Year old human Telepath

“Moo!”
—The last thing the Kender said to the Minotaur

“Got Milk”
—Because dying the first time didn’t teach him a lesson.

I still retain my all-time favorite from a while ago - from a paladin PC at a campaign I was running (the group was staying at an inn):

“I detect evil on the breakfast.”

So did he ever find an evil aura in his breakfast?

Lord Vukodlak - 30 August 2008 07:59 PM

So did he ever find an evil aura in his breakfast?

What exactly would one of those look like?  Ha ha just so I can keep an eye out

A bowl of puppeteers?

No, he didn’t. The cook took it easy with the trans fats that day.

Actually, he was trying to discern whether it was poisoned or something, by seeing if there was some “trace aura” of the poisoner’s evil on the breakfast or whatever. For the record, it wasn’t poisoned (he was just being paranoid), but of course, he wouldn’t detect it anyway…

“You can ride me if I pay you!”
- A new female player in my long-time group who got flustered because no one was paying attention to her character. She was trying to ask one of the characters if she could get a ride on his horse.

HA HA HA now thats a mistake worthy of remembrance, bet that got a round of laughter!

The femele rider is lol³.

There are many funny things that happen in my table, but I’ll ask my player’s the numbers one.

This series of quotes comes from my old 3.0 Elven monk Zathress Silvermoon and his companions.

Elven family size–
“Triplets is that even possible for Elves? what did your contraceptive magic backfire or something?”
—Zathress to his drow wife, shortly before she kicked him in the head.

“How do you know the kids are yours?”

——Valen, Human Sorcerer shortly before the rest of the party plus an
NPC tackled Zathress to stop him from murdering Valen.

Moon Swings±—
“Have you been having any violent mood swings from your pregnancy.”
—Elena Sylvian Elf Druid to Daria pregnant Drow
“How would that be any different then a normal day?”
—Zathress once again shortly before his wife kicked him in head.

“There used to be 12 suitors but I think your wife already killed a couple”
—Shopkeeper to my character Christof upon his return home having been missing for five years.
“Thats my lover”
—Christof’s reply

*After having gone missing for over five years my LE Cleric returned home to the metropolis ruled by the church he served. He faced an odysseus syle problem with several suitors vying to marry his wife and take over his estate.

The following quotes were either things my Nyss character in the Iron Kingdoms has said, or quotes I’ve attributed to her.  Don’t know if they are funny—they probably won’t make any sense unless you know the Iron Kingdoms.

“I am not the winter elf you are looking for.” She didn’t ever actually say this in any game, but since she’s in Ord, where she is probably the only Nyss within a hundred miles or more, she probably is the winter elf the person is looking for.

“I represent the Nyss Wizards Guild.” The Nyss do not have a wizards guild.

“You must be from south Khador.” This was after a player running a Khadoran PC said “I thank you kindly.”

Our Barbarian enters town and promptly tells us he is going to examine the town billboard for work to do. The DM reminds him he is illiterate.
The rogue volunteers to examine the job board, the ranger reads the town map, the fighter picks up the newspaper.
The Barbarian, with a choked sob yells to nobody in particular “TEACH ME TO READ!”

He eventually multiclassed to bard and became a poet.

"Knights don’t charge foolishly into a fight.  Knights charge BOLDLY into a fight.” -In response to some criticism as to whether a character should have tried to take on the Possessed Ancient Blue Dragon single handedly.

The Knight quote is perfect.

“I’m not as dumb as I think I am! wait...”
——Zorr lizardman fighter

“The only good goblin is a cold corpse”
—Captain of Fort Green

“I prefer to them cooked myself”
—Zorr’s response

I just remembered this quote
“I once asked my father about whom he was planing to arrange my marriage to, he told me to mind my own business”
—Lady Yuriko of the Komodo clan.

I just watched batman recently and when the Joker says “everything burns” I had an image of a juggernaut warforged jumping in and punching him and saying, “I don’t!”

Had another good quote last session.  One of the PCs was speaking to a demon through a portal, and the demon was trying to convince the PC to join with him:

PC “How’s your dental plan.”
DM (without missing a beat): “Excellent.  As many teeth as you want.”